Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions.

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger. No, she is white.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think so? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

Wearing Off

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful. "Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Niagara Falls, Ontario

33 All I do

Days pass, it’s true
And every day
I find myself thinking of you
It’s seems so tedious,
but I need this
My brain can’t stand
To be unaccompanied
It needs some one, anyone
To be at the forefront of its dreams.
If it wasn’t you
Then who would it be?
Does this mean anything?
I’m still trying
To figure out human nature
And perhaps that’s what
Makes this so hard.
In trying to understand myself
I just get more and more confused.
I can’t seem to just accept things as they are.
So do I like you?
Sure, but if not you then my brain
Would find someone else,
Perhaps someone from a dream
To occupy its time.
But for now I think of you,
And I can seem to stop myself.
It’s all I do.

fantasy_of_life

A Royal Vacation

Ask someone to give you words to fill in the blanks in this story without showing it to him or her. Then read out loud for a laugh.

This summer my family and I took a(n) (adjective) trip to London, England. Alter a(n) (number)-hour flight, we found out that the airline lost our (plural noun). So I ended up wearing the same (popular singer) T-shirt for the whole trip! On the way to the hotel, I was staring out the car window when I saw a(n) (color) double-decker (noun) coming right at us! My dad had forgotten that the British (verb) on the (adjective) side of the road! He shouted,"(exclamation)!" and then (past-tense verb) onto the sidewalk in front of (your neighbor's last name) Palace--the home of (famous female person). Luckily no one at the (adjective) palace seemed to notice. Everyone was (verb ending in -ing) in the opposite direction. I jumped up and down to see over them when my foot (past-tense verb) on a piece of (food) I hit my (body part) on a(n) (noun), and then everything went (color). The next thing I knew, (same famous female as above) was helping me up and inviting me to the (famous place) for dinner. She was throwing a party and the guest of honor was (same singer as above)!

By Erin Bauer

Luke's Grandpa

"We can build the biggest snowman on the block if we work on it all day," Marco said, adding another handful of snow to the snowman's middle.

"That would be great," Luke replied. "But my grandpa's picking me up soon. We're going to spend the day together." Luke, on his knees in the I snow, started rolling the cold white stuff into a ball for the snowman's head.

"No way," Marco groaned. "Spending the day with your grandpa? That will be totally boring. Can't you get out of it, Luke?"

"Nope," Luke answered. "My grandpa's been planning this day for weeks. He's going to surprise me with what we're doing."

Marco tossed a handful of snow at Luke. The snow splattered on the back of Luke's coat. "You're probably going to play a thrilling game of checkers," Marco said.

Luke shook his head. "I kind of doubt that. Here, help me lift the head up."

Marco and Luke lifted the large snowball onto the snowman's middle. Now the snowman stood taller than them.

"I know," Marco said. "He'll probably tell you boring stories about the olden days."

Luke laughed. "I kind of doubt that too," he said.

"And then he'll fall asleep in his chair, and you'll have to sit there and watch him," Marco continued. "Can't you even try to get out of it, Luke?"

"You don't understand, Marco," Luke replied. "My grandpa's not like that. And I really want to spend the day with him. Now we need stuff for the snowman's face. Let's look around."

Marco and Luke tramped through the snow in the front yard, searching for sticks or rocks or something good for the snowman's face.

"Hey, check out that neat SUV coming this way!" Marco suddenly shouted. "That's the newest, coolest kind."

Luke looked up from searching and smiled.

"Hey, it's stopping here," Marco said, as the SUV pulled to a stop in front of Luke's yard.

Suddenly a tall, thin man, dressed in ski clothes, jumped out of the front seat.

"Come on, Luke, get in gear!" he called. "I've rented you some skis and boots and poles. The slopes are waiting for us!"

"Coming, Grandpa," Luke called back, dropping the sticks he had collected. He turned to Marco. "Looks like my grandpa planned a day of skiing for us. And I'll bet he'll beat me in every race, like he always does."

"That's your grandpa?" Marco couldn't stop staring at the man standing next to the SUV.

"That's him," Luke replied. "Have fun working on the snowman. I know I'll have fun skiing."

Luke ran to the SUV and climbed into the passenger seat, as his grandpa returned to the driver's seat.

As the SUV pulled away, Luke glanced back at Marco, still standing there staring. Luke waved at his friend, and couldn't help smiling too. I have the greatest grandpa, he thought. And I get to spend the day with him, whooshing down the slopes. Nothing could be better than that.

By Heather Klassen